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They were three ladies in their early to mid-forties wearing power suits and slightly scuffed pumps. They'd brought along blank notep and mayfisld pencils and were waiting, flatteringly, to jot down my thoughts on the state of modern womanhood. Their interest had been piqued by a story I'd written for The Wall Street Journal about magazines like theirs.

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If no man is an island, then no woman can be, either. To do that we must begin by accepting that our problems originate not in our oppression but, as the writer Midge Decter has wisely observed, in our new freedom. I was curious to know what if anything feminism meant to women who had grown up in a world long altered by the activism of their mothers. She might have to forgo her hope of youthful marriage and the pleasure of starting out fresh in life with a husband at the same stage of the journey as herself.

If you didn't, you entertained a few more prospects until you found one who better suited you. I remember having, in my early twenties, long and passionate conversations with my female friends about our need to be strong, to stand alone, to retain our independence and never compromise our souls by succumbing to domesticity. They are the eighteen-year-old girls who believed they could lead the unfettered sexual lives of men, only to end up in an abortion clinic or attending grade twelve English while eight months' pregnant.

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We then follow this woman's gradual enlightenment -- her "journey of self-discovery" -- as she comes to realize that true perwonals lies in learning to value and love sdeking. But I can sketch out what the new problems are and pinpoint some of the wrong assumptions that created them. And if one of us were to give way, the rest would feel weakened in our own inner struggles, betrayed by our friend's abandonment of the supposedly happy autonomous life.

But she is lucky, too.

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The negative -- that we are no longer sewking to live entirely for ourselves -- is also the positive: We no longer have to live entirely for ourselves! Switch on the television or wander into a bookstore and it is striking how many programs and books are now aimed at a market of thirtyish single women who are unhappy sdeking fretful about their solitary state. The strange result is couples who are willing to share everything with each other -- leases, furniture, cars, weekends, body fluids, holidays with their relatives -- just as long as it comes with the right to cancel the relationship at any moment.

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But if we seem ungrateful, or indifferent, it is not because we don't believe in the ideas that were bequeathed to us. And while it's impossible to chart these things, I suspect it's this fear of dependency -- more even than fear of divorce -- that is primarily responsible for young women's tendency to delay marriage and childbirth. We were fighting as personalx a battle against ourselves as against the snares of domesticity.

You either felt a man's charms right away or you didn't. The quest for autonomy -- the need "to be oneself" or, as Wurtzel declares, the intention "to answer maygield to myself" -- is in fact not a brave or noble one; nor is it an indication of strong character.

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Womna should we tie ourselves down too young or believe that our only hope for happiness rests in finding lasting love? But what was surprising was the sudden and dramatic change of mood of these magazines. For if we are ever to resolve these problems and take advantage of our new freedoms, we are going to have to look them squarely in the face, unhampered by ideology, and mahfield shy away from what we see.

And she, in turn, couldn't convince them that she really had met the man she wanted to marry, that she didn't want to keep going out to bars in the evenings and clubs on the weekends, postponing her marriage for half a decade until she reached an age that her friends would consider more suitable. The women who don't desire these things -- those who like living alone or who find perfectly fulfilling the companionship of their friends and cats or whose work eclipses their need for family -- may be sincerely happy, but they should not be confused with the average woman.

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He was still occupying an office in a government building in central Bratislava. Why is the balance between being a good mother and working so elusive? As the single heroine of Helen Fielding's novel, Bridget Jones' Diary, resolves to herself: "I oersonals not sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense zeeking self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend, as best way to obtain boyfriend.

Yet we do.

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We want the warm body next to us on the sofa in the evenings; we want the noise and embrace of family around us; we want, at the end of our lives, to look back and see that what we have done amounts to more than a pile of pay stubs, that we have loved and been loved, and brought into this world life that will outlast us. Thus the legal definition of sexual harassment can be stretched to include a bungled pass or an undesired compliment.

It was as feminists that they had come of age; it was feminism that had defined their identities as women. Affirmative action may have propelled some women through the executive ranks, but it has done little for the vast s of women who build their work around their family obligations. Lawrence writes about two people in a relationship being like two stars who rotate around each other, attracted by each other's energy, but not dependent on each other. We deposit our paychecks without having to worry whether we are getting paid less for the job we're doing because of our sex.

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She mayfiekd have to consider looking at men who are much older than she is, men on their second and third marriages who arrive with an assortment of heavy mayfiels and former traveling companions. While he demonstrated that he was willing to quit his job and move to a new city just for the chance of being with her, she announced -- to The New York Times, no less -- that she wasn't prepared to make any such sacrifice on his mayield.

He was bewildered by the popular rejection of an ideology he'd spent his entire life implementing and still fervently believed in. This may be the joke that history has actually played upon us -- and a nasty one it is. It is a price that is rarely stated honestly, not the least because the women who are paying it don't realize how onerous it will be until it's too late.

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In -- the year of the Supreme Court's Roe v. She may not like some of their marriages -- she may think her best friend's husband is a bit of a jerk or that another one of her friends has changed for the worse since her marriage -- but nonetheless, she will think that at least their lives are going forward while her gearshift remains stuck in neutral.

Kim Cash Tate. But it is a lesson every woman growing up today will have to learn -- as I, and thousands upon thousands of women of my generation, had to learn, often painfully.

But we must, urgently, begin to do so. Women who did not personale the conspiracy mounted against them by "the patriarchy" she said wearily, were just "so f -- ing passive. I suspect that few things are more off-putting to a man eating dinner than to notice that the woman across the table is looking at him more hungrily than at the food on her plate -- and she is not hungry for his body but for his whole life.

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But if a woman remains single until her age creeps up past thirty, she may find herself tapping at her watch and staring down the now mysteriously empty tunnel, wondering if there hasn't been a derailment or accident somewhere along the line. I admitted this once to my mother, an ardent seventies feminist How would the masses live without it? And once you have managed to turn a man's head, it's assumed that you will have no end of trouble keeping it pivoted in your direction "Will He Cheat?

Rather, it had seeped into their minds like intravenous saline into the arm of an unconscious patient. Instead, like lords and sailors of yore, a young woman is encouraged to embark upon the world, seek her fortune and sow her oats, and only datinf later -- closer to thirty than twenty -- consider the possibility of settling down. So many seekung us are in the habit of approaching our problems as those arising from inequality and sexism that we cannot imagine any other way to think about them.